Member-only story
The Panda
Pair with the song Panda by Desiigner
A panda was scrolling through its Instagram feed when it saw an ad for adult toys. It thought I am almost six years old and I am often bored in this zoo, I should get me one of those. So it ordered the toy online, and a few days later it arrived because of fast shipping. The panda was mighty pleased. It unpacked the toy and threw the box and the bubble wrap in the blue bin for recycling. It read through the inserted quick start instruction sheet three times and felt confident in how to operate it.
The panda loved its toy. It played with it every day and sometimes two or three times. In the beginning, it would only use it in the little cave at the back of the enclosure because pandas can be shy. But then the nannies visiting the zoo complained to the zoo experience manager as they had promised the kids in their care that they would get to see a panda and if they did not the kids’ parents would turn the nannies into ICE and have them deported.
The zoo experience manager told this to the head of zookeeping who then mistakenly called a meeting with the single-colored bear manager. He wanted to give her an earful because this was the seventh time the bears had been caught hibernating on the job, and the head of zoo keeping had been looking for a reason to fire her so he could give the job to his son-in-law whose name was Jared as convention…
