Elvis Already Has One Foot Out The Door

A Mother. Story

I always thought that when you found out that you were going to die within in a certain — short — time frame that a survival instinct would kick in. That you would want to buy as much time as possible to get through your bucket list and say a proper goodbye to your loved ones.

That is not how it has turned out for my mother. It could of course show up later, but so far she has shown no inclination to extend life, help herself or do anything special — except watch The Crown and leave my father.

The doctors have given her a year, tops, and most likely no more than six months and that was two months ago. That is a harsh message and it seems to have paralyzed her. More than that, it seems to make her want to speed up to cross the finish line. It is not that I don’t understand why it might look like the easiest way out — literally — from her stand point.

She has been in pain for years, there is more of that to come, so she is heavily medicated and it makes her sleepy and out of it. It is so uncomfortable to eat that she barely gets enough to sustain herself which leaves her in this no-man’s-land where she gets enough energy to exist, but not be active. And she is depressed but doesn’t want to talk to anyone because what’s the point?

It crushes me with sadness. For her and for me.

How awful it must be to have missed the window of opportunity. To have it just close on you. She is not without fault in this. Like most of us she knew the risks. Of smoking, of drinking, of not exercising, of not being true to yourself. She just chose to ignore them. And now she pays the price. She is not complaining. She just wants it to be over sooner rather than later.

She doesn’t care if she leaves the rest of us hanging without closure. She doesn’t care if it makes her a bitch. She doesn’t care.

It is all I can do to not fight fire with fire, anger with anger, regret with regret. I have to remind myself that I am the one who will soon be left behind and have to live with my actions. So I bite my tongue and pull myself together. I tell her and everyone else that I love them. I do the things I want to do because there is no reason, no time to wait.

So maybe I was right after all.

The Mother. stories are about my dying mother, and how death is nothing like I expected or hoped it would be. It is about figuring out to say goodbye in the right manner and at the right time. Stay tuned for more.